LSU v Miss St 2012 - Recap

LSU v Miss St – Saturday Nov 10, 700p (ESPN) : 

Christmas did not come early for Mississippi State, as the LSU Tigers avenged their heartbreaking loss to Alabama with a Death Valley Bulldog Beatdown Under The Lights tonight.

The Tigers jumped out to an uncharacteristic quick lead, scoring touchdowns on their first three drives…two in the first quarter off of runs by RB Hill. One-time Movember pin-up boy Mettenberger then lit up the Bulldog secondary in the second quarter, on a 57-yard TD pass to WR Wright.  LSU K Alleman added more points near the end of the first half, with a 38-yard FG brought about by a State QB Russell sack-fumble.  

At the half, LSU had already hung 24 points on a reportedly stout Miss State defense.

The Bulldog’s short-lived answer began the second half with an impressive drive that was capped off by a 14-yard touchdown strike from QB Russell to WR Bumphis.

State's defense, known for forcing turnovers throughout the 2012 season came up big by forcing a Mettenberger fumble at 20 on LSU’s third quarter opening drive. The Bulldogs had to settle for a Bell FG after back-to-back Russell sacks at the hands of Tiger DE Mingo.  Russell ended the game 19 of 30 for 212 yards and 2 TDs. 

The Tigers racked up 473 total yards, fueled partly by Mettenberger’s 212 yards and two TDs off 19 completions.  Bulldog faithful, racked up on stadium sausages and Piggly Wiggly bourbon, maintained a relentless barrage of cowbells and synchronized belching in a vain attempt to rally the Maroon and White…but to no avail.  State HC Mullen at his post-game presser criticized the travelling fanbase for “gross displays of vulgarity, a wanton disregard for both body odor and indoor plumbing facilities.”

Trev Alberts’ career may have peaked Saturday night, after drunkenly accepting the Jersey Shore Douchebag Of The Week Award sponsored by Axe Body Spray, Ed Hardy anything, and Booty Sweat Energy Drink…while his acceptance speech was a muddled mess of F-bombs, hiccups and screams of “WAAASSSSAAAAHHH”, it did spawn a sales run on the “Young, Black, and Famous, with money hanging out the Anus"  muscle tee he was sporting.   

LSU – 34  Moo State - 20

LSU vs. Alabama 2012 Trailer

LSU v Bama 2012 - Recap

LSU v Bama – Saturday, Nov 3 700p (CBS) :

Only the truest of bludgeoneers could appreciate the carnal splendor of tonight’s rematch of last season's BCS Championship game.  If you crave defensive football like Rosie O’Donnell craves chocolate-smothered Pinwheels, you have just seen nirvana and likely need to change your underwear.

The top-ranked Crimson Tide made the long-familiar trip to Baton Rouge, looking to keep their perfect record intact in front of a primetime record-size Death Valley crowd.  5th-ranked LSU, underdogs at home for the first time ironically since Bama was a 6 to 8 point favorite in 2010, would need a defensive performance reminiscent of the Legionnaires at the Battle of Cameron to avenge their BCS shutout.

Indeed, the game was a center-of-the-ring fistfight between two SEC titans.

It all started with an errant pass from  QB Mettenberger on LSU’s opening drive, which was picked off and returned 50 yards for a TD by Bama DB Perry…not satisfied, Perry snatched another pass on the next LSU offensive drive, this time returning it a mere 40 yards to give Bama yet another short field.  The Crimson Tide bench went crazy…it would not be until the eighth minute of the first quarter before the Bama offense would take the field.

The defenses were not finished there, however. On the Tide’s second possession, while evading a furious bullrush by DE Mingo, Tide QB McCarron overthrew his checkdown…Tiger LB Minter met the errant pass in full stride, thundering 37 yards for LSU’s first score of the night.  The subsequent verbal reaction from Bama HC Saban brought two nearby players and an equipment assistant to tearful bouts of vomiting. 

There were a total of three passes between the two teams that were intercepted and returned for TDs.  The anticipated Crimson Tide offensive explosion never materialized, as the LSU defense executed DC Chavis’ gameplan perfectly.  Incessant pass-rush penetration, blanket pass coverage by the DBs, and textbook tackling all combined to effectively mudhole-stomp the Bama offensive scheme.

Conversely, the Tigers’only offensive TD of the game would not come until the waning seconds of the third quarter, when RB Hill exploded behind a Copeland block and powered in from 30 yards out to put the Tigers in the lead.  The subsequent physical reaction from Bama HC Saban resulted in a seventh obliterated headset of the night, a sprained right knee, and a new dance phenomenon coined The Crack Out Blackout.

The Tigers were able to steal the victory with a CB Mills pick-six.  Once again, DE Mingo drove hard upfield and forced McCarron to hurry a throw to the flat, where Mills jumped Bama WR Cooper’s route at the Tide 35 yard line and returned the stolen pass to score with just under two minutes remaining to play.  The subsequent reaction from Saban resulted in a 6 minute Hoveround-related tirade, injuring five Bama cheer squad members and ending with a header into the Powerade table.

Trev Alberts ended his Puerto Ricans for Puerto Rico Party candidacy to unseat Governor Luis Fortuno, citing the health of his pet bullfrog Eddie and the private sector demands brought on by the success of his T&A Booty Dent Butter product line.  Sources close to the campaign point to a) Alberts not being Puerto Rican, and b) a persistent addiction to Bolivian fighting midget porn as chief causes.

LSU – 31  Bama - 27

Campaign Explained By A 13 Year Old

LSU v Texas A&M 2012 - Recap

LSU v Texas A&M – Saturday, Oct 20^th, 1100a (ESPN) :

Neither Forrest Gump nor Jesus Christ himself could have run the ball against the Tigers’ Carnac Stone defensive front, as #6 LSU strangled the 20^th-ranked Texas Aggies in the bright midday sun at Kyle Field in College Station today.  Much to the delight of the 20,000+ Tiger Fans who made the trip while draining the booze cart on every single flight heading west, LSU now has a straight-line path to Miami…win out, convincingly if at all possible, and the Tigers will play for a 3^rd Crystal Football.

The Aggies, however, did not go down quietly. 

A&M QB Manziel displayed his big-play potential while scrambling for his life, racking up 103 panic-stricken rushing yards…he threw for another 154 yards and 2 TDs as the Aggies rallied from a 14-point first-quarter deficit to get within 3 at the half.

A&M would not threaten again.                

                                                                                                                                       

Manziel, a 6-1, 200lb freshman with a penchant for highlight-reel plays, looked much more mortal against LSU’s meat-grinding defensive unit.  He made a couple of big second-half plays, including a 32-yard bootleg in the third quarter to push the Aggies deep into Tiger territory. But risk-taking has a downside…five plays later, on another bootleg attempt, LSU DE Mingo punched the football out and LB Minter scooped up the loose ball on the Tiger 21 to stop a likely scoring drive.  Aggie WR Evans caught eight Manziel passes for 105 yards but will be most remembered for the separated shoulder he earned by violently signalling first down early in the 4th quarter.

The Tiger defense finished the day having created 7 turnovers, including three INTs.  Not to be outdone, the LSU special teams accounted for 165 total return yards, including a 73-yard punt return TD by WR/KR Beckham Jr late in the third quarter.

The much-maligned LSU offense held up their end of the bargain quite handsomely.  Phenom Tiger RB Hill rushed for 138 yards and a pair of TDs, and was the leading ground-gainer of the day.  Sacked once, QB Mettenberger nonetheless completed 19 of 30 passes for 305 yards and three TDs, with the highlight being a 58-yard strike to WR Landry…during his celebration, Reveille VIII even let Landry rub her belly, much to the dismay of the Howdy Faithful.

After earning his first team victory against Mark Hall and his Ram Truck-sponsored Raminator, new MRTA member Trev Albert’s T&A Booty Dent Butter-sponsored  “Badussy” truck lost a rear wheel during a flame-belching 360-degree power slide at the Lone Star Monster Truck Nationals, injuring a rodeo clown and 3 members of the Four Loko Bikini Knife-Throwing Team.

LSU – 42  Aggies - 17

LSU v South Carolina - 2012

LSU v South Carolina – Saturday Oct 13, 700P (ESPN) :
 

Bombshell: “Cocky” Not so Cock-ish!

By Fatty McButterpants, Esq.


Who is Cocky, the South Carolina Gamecock?

The University of South Carolina adopted the moniker in honor of Thomas Sumter, a South Carolina war hero who was given the name "The Carolina Gamecock" during the American Revolution for his fierce fighting tactics, regardless of his physical stature or the size of his regiment.  "Cocky" first took action at USC events in 1980 when he came in to take over his father (Big Spur's) place.  In 1986, Cocky brought home his first UCA Mascot Championship and continued his success in the competitions each year, rising to the very top in 1994 bringing home his second Championship.

According to Wikipedia, a gamecock is a type of rooster with physical and behavioral traits suitable for cockfighting, and may be further identified as a secular term denoting use of a fighting cock as identified in the Douay–Rheims Bible translation from the late 4th-century Latin Vulgate into English of Proverbs 30:31 of "a cock girded about the loins".

Despite popular folklore, the question remains contentious:  Just Who The Hell is Cocky?

Clouds of doubt began to collect after the conspiracy wonks over at Breitbart TV challenged public statements of the famous Foghorn Leghorn, about “his cousin, I say, cousin Cocky” on returning to their “homeland” in Tuscany for a family reunion.  When questioned further, Mr. Leghorn responded, “Now who is, I say, who is responsible for this unwarranted attack on my person?   This is going to cause more confusion than a mouse in a burlesque show!”

New evidence has come to light disputing the history and identity of Cocky, and thus the legitimacy of his mascot-ness. It is alleged that Cocky the USC Gamecock is NOT the jungle fowl breed originating from South Central and Southeastern Asia, but is in fact a “leghorn rooster”, a certain breed of chicken with origins in Central Italy, near the picturesque Region of Tuscany, the cultural birthplace of the Italian Renaissance and home to such luminaries as Leonardo da Vinci & Michelangelo.  During Cocky's 2004 campaign for a third Mascot Championship, anonymous e-mails from University of Georgia alumni surfaced that questioned his citizenship in an attempt to revive UGA’s faltering Championship-qualifying run. These and numerous other chain e-mails during the subsequent Mascot Competition fanned the flames of conspiracy.  Further speculation was sparked on June 9, 2008, when LSU Head Coach Les Miles asked that Cocky release his birth certificate prior to their contest with USC.  Miles wrote that releasing the birth certificate could debunk several false rumors circulating on the Internet, namely: that his last name was originally “Squarcialupi”; that his mother had originally named him "Raj" rather than "Cocky"; and that “Big Spur” was not his biological father.

The subsequent release of the certificate in 2008 revealed that the document appeared to have been digitally forged with Adobe Photoshop and lacked a stamped State Seal, which then led the newly-termed “cockers” to demand that Cocky release his "original" 1962 birth certificate.  To date, the original document has not been witnessed nor verified.  This is prima facie evidence that both the SEC Universe as well as the general public have been sold on a big lie.  Motivation clearly exists to disavow any Leghorn legacy…the aggressive and pugnacious Gamecock certainly rallies the emotions of the USC masses more effectively than the skittish Leghorn.

One reason the USC Football culture admired the gamecock was the shared nature of warfare.  Football's military-like struggles hinged upon players engaged in hand-to-hand combat.  Personal courage and indifference to pain are highly esteemed.  In the brutal sport of "Gamecocking", the gamecock repeatedly demonstrated the necessary ferocity and tenacity by fighting to its last gasp. By contrast, Leghorns rarely exhibit broodiness and are thus well suited for uninterrupted egg laying. The Leghorn is a light breed that matures quickly, and not considered a viable meat producer. Leghorns are active and efficient foragers. They typically avoid human contact and tend to be nervous and flighty.

Add to the mountains of recently surfaced evidence the palpable disdain felt by members of the SEC Universe towards Head Cock Steve Spurrier, and it is readlily apparent that the “cockers” will not be going away anytime soon.


LSU – 23  Cocks - 21

LSU v Florida 2012 - Recap

LSU v UF – Saturday, Oct 6, 230p (CBS):

The dogfight this afternoon between the #4-ranked LSU Tigers and the #10-ranked Florida Gators resembled less a past championship battle and more a summer fling with a distant cousin…mind you, NOT the wild buxom gypsy girl riding bareback atop a snorting mare whose chicory tresses reek of bonfire and jasmine, but the mutt-faced farm girl digging barehanded for potatoes who looks like she spent the morning headbutting passing trains for amusement.  Describing the contest as “ugly” is to describe the soaring flavor symphony of Troy Thibodeaux’s alligator sauce piquant as “good stuff”.  To quote Leslie Edwin Miles,  “A victory turd is still a victory, no matter how many times we had to flush!”

LSU QB Mettenberger, free of both the pornstar mustache and the unearned arrogance, managed an oafish and unwieldy Tiger offense to an effective degree, maintaining ball security while avoiding the rutting hog stares from the Gator cheer team.  RB Hilliard failed to break the 100 yard mark but managed to find the endzone twice, thanks to a pair of CB Mills INT returns that each set up red zone TD drives.  Early in the 3rd quarter, Tiger P Wing became the first in LSU history to down his own punt, running down a 12-story boomer and spotting the ball at the Gator 3 yard line.  Scoring a safety on the ensuing play, yells of savage rage from the LSU D Line were only slightly muted by the shrieks of agony and groans of death from the Gator backfield.

Working to unseat the players’ heads from their collective posteriors, the normally lugubrious UF HC Muschamp maintained a level of fury so intense as to make Ike Turner wince.   Despite a cracked sternum resulting from a Muschamp pep talk, Gator QB Driskel was rather efficient at the helm, completing 11-of-14 passes for 162 yards…however, the defensive pressure from LSU DE Mingo encouraged Driskel to rack up another 87 yards with his feet.  The bulk of the anemic UF offensive output came from RBs Gillislee and Jones, who combined for an uninspired 93 yards and a single TD.  The UF defense did little to stem the raging pond water-esque Tiger attack, despite the persistent yelling of "goony goo goo" and "noonan!  NOO-nan!" in between LSU snaps.

Holding court after allegedly inking a deal with Jay-Z to name-check T&A’s Booty Dent Butter on his next single, Trev Alberts was physically removed from the Paramount Plaza hotel bar after ordering the bartender to make him a Fuzzy Navel like her lady-parts depend on it.

 
LSU – 26  UF - 16

LSU v Towson - Game Recap

LSU v Towson - Saturday, Sept 29 600p (ESPNU):

The pride of Kentwood LA, Miss Hot Southern Mess herself, Britney Spears was slated to provide this week's celebrity game recap and to promote her new CD "Turd Burglar"...instead, Princess ChunkaDrunk masterfully laid pen to paper and produced another classic.  Enjoy...

*Sung to the tune of Baby One More Time, in the key of staccato Jager burps...

Oh Mettenberger, Mettenberger! Oh Mettenberger, Mettenberger!
I must confess, I still believe (still believe)
Gold britches bring all the hot bitches!
Give me a sign...Tickle me Zach til I fart one more time!

Oh Mettenberger, Mettenberger! Oh Mettenberger, Mettenberger!!
I'm addicted to you...don't you know that you're bendy!
And I love what you do...don't you know that you're bendy!

OH FUCK BALLS!  I did it again!
Made you believe Locos Tacos taste good
Cheese fries...to munch down like that is just so typically me.
More gravy, Baby!

Oh Mettenberger, Mettenberger!  Oh Mettenberger, Mettenberger!
I think I made you believe, Boobies can be too big.
FUCK BALLS!  You think Boobies can be too big.

Oh Mettenberger, Mettenberger!  Oh Mettenberger, Mettenberger!
Oops, I Gave Coach Ambrose a lap dance!!
Tee hee I'm not that Stink-Knuckley!
My coin purse smells like week-old baby farts,
Wish I looked like bacon smells!

Oh Mettenberger, Mettenberger!

Oh Mettenberger, Mettenberger!
I must confess, I still believe (still believe),
Gold britches bring all the hot bitches!
Give me a sign...Tickle me Zach til I fart one more time!


You're welcome...

LSU - 58   Towson - 10

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

LSU v Idaho - Recap

LSU v Idaho- Saturday, 15  700P (TigerVision) :

**Due to an unanticipated proliferation of Jager Bombs and violent groin-pulls, Yours Truly is spending this week on the PUP (Physically Unable to Predict) list.  As such, this week's game recap duties have been awarded to a group of old, rowdy, drunkenly-clever but moderately-educated Senior Ruggers...God help us all**

Would windshield wipers on a duck's ass really work?

For this, one must look at the simplicity of windshield wipers on a duck's ass as a cleaning apparatus- when a duck relieves itself, the released crap sticks to it's tail-feathers. A windshield wiper apparatus will, in theory, remove any "residue" from these feathers. Of course they will not clean thoroughly, actually smearing said duck-guano flat so it will dry and flake off easily...disgusting but true. Obvious in this scenario, the duck would be flying backwards, as that is the necessary factor for wiper need. Needless to say, when considering a backward flying duck requiring windshield wipers on his ass, reason would have it he could evolve to shit through his mouth...because everyone knows that ducks hate flying through their own doo-doo butter. You cannot forget that feces clinging to the nose-end of an ass-first flying duck...regardless of origination...will result in an insurmountably-high drag coefficient. The mouth-shitting theory is quite interesting, yet perplexing. If we look at the possible evolution of a backward-flying, mouth-shitting duck, the wings would need to be on backwards to allow the needed lift involved in flying, which would change the entire muscle structure and skeleton of said animal. Of course this same evolutionary process would bring out either eyes on the ass of the duck or eyes on the back of the ducks head...then we bring out the question of the inverted digestive system to allow the duck to shit out of its mouth. This theory seems to assume that the duck will eat through its ass or develop a bi-functional use of its buccal cavity. And I won't even go into where the hell the windshield wipers would come from. You basically would end up with one really fucked up duck...I shudder at this image. Now, in a few thousand years perhaps ongoing evolution will permit extra-large duck wings, but as things stand presently we would have ass-backward-flying duck missiles hitting the ground all over the world.

The only remaining question at this time is still whether or not windshield wipers on a duck's ass will really work... much easier to consider mouth-shitting.

Oh yeah...

LSU  – 57  Idaho - A Funny Taste In Their Mouth

MILF Monday- Courtney Thorne-Smith

 

Self Shot Sunday!

 

On Tap Mad Hatter Pub Crawl

LSU v Washington 2012 - Recap

LSU v Washington – Saturday, Sept 8 (600p ESPN):

The Decision.  The poor, wretched decision to trade the friendly shores of Montlake for an unyieldingly hostile venue that goes by the name "Death Valley"...this will be the UW campus debate for the remainder of the 2012 season, following the dismantling of a scrappy Washington Husky squad by the 3rd ranked LSU Tigers in front of a sellout Tiger Stadium crowd tonight.

Washington CB Trufant lit up LSU WR Landry on the Tigers’ very first pass play to set a jarring but short-lived tone, putting tonight’s game in serious doubt for a full 93 seconds.  A steady dose of RB Hilliard cooled down the Husky defensive fever, while resident Thumper Copeland literally pounded the fight right out of them.  Tiger QB Mettenberger’s downfield vision was vastly improved as he targeted WRs Landry and Shepard repeatedly, throwing for 223 yards and 2 TDs.

Forced eventually to abandon the run game, Husky QB Price’s 43 passes were a personal record…his 17 completions, however, only included one 8-yard TD dart to WR Williams.  LSU DE Mingo scooped up a Price fumble early in the 2nd quarter and sprinted 44 yards the other way for the eventual winning TD, and securing the first defensive score of the 2012 season.

Not to be outdone, Tiger WR Beckham Jr. took two Husky punts to the house, scoring for the second straight game and generally making a mockery of standard PAC-12 punt coverage.  “It was an odd game that way.”, UW HC Sarkisian commented after the game…”Normally, I’d run over my own mother to win a football game, but tonight Mom made it rain hammers on my ass.”

Trev Alberts once again made national headlines after enraging members of the Texas A&M Hispanic Network during a sponsored Texas School of the Deaf conference in College Station…while attempting to hand out samples of his new Nebraska Fried Duck to hearing-impaired conference attendees, Alberts was caught on video screaming “¿Quiere lamer mi pato?” at young passers-by.

LSU – 34   Washington - 13

LSU v North Texas 2012 - Recap

LSU v North Texas – Saturday, Sept 1 (600p ESPNU) :

Déjà vu all over again?

The Mad Hatter once again faced down a Gulf hurricane as he led his #3-ranked Tigers into their 2012 home opener against the North Texas Mean Green…affectionately coined “The 2nd Almost Annual Groundhog Day Bowl”, the contest would not be relegated this time to another Playstation demo party. Eagle Claws displayed, the 840 Meanie Greenies secretly welcomed the cold chill running down their backside as the Golden Band From Tigerland began its slow march onto their Death Valley field. The resulting explosion of Tiger Mania cracked 3 second-story windows at the Athletic Building and jolted Hall-of-Fame North Texas alum Mean Joe Greene from his startlingly deep La-Z-boy nap. LSU QB Mettenberger made his debut start under center and immediately silenced all doubt with a 5-of-5 opening possession culminating in a 15 yard scoring toss to WR Shepard…Mettenberger ended the day 19-of-25 for 305 yds with 3 TD strikes, and spent the latter part of the 4th quarter on the sideline bench enjoying a disturbingly large monster burger lovingly made and dedicated to him by a certain Tiger Football zealot.

Ever wondered what a herd of buffalo sounds like? Apparently similar to the sound of Mean Green offensive linemen punching Apogee Stadium bricks for extra snacks, according to NT Deep Snapper Dunham. This did not impress Barkevious Mingo, as the long-named and even longer-armed LSU DE spent more time in the North Texas backfield than Greenie QB Thompson’s jockstrap. The North Texas defense is shamelessly exploited by Tiger RBs Blue and Hilliard, releasing a 237 yard/3 TD statement to Bama and the rest of the country. NT Coach McCarney’s 3rd quarter adverse reaction to inhaled Red Man spit juice provided a momentary distraction for the dejected Mean Green sideline…Greenie S Trice called it "swag", but the Tiger Stadium grounds crew later determined it to be classic vomit.

Ushering in the post-Erin Andrews era, perennial Analyst-In-Waiting Trev Alberts resumed his quest for the "Ass Clown" segment rumored to be a new part of the ESPN College Gameday lineup…despite bringing Herbstreit and the crew to tears with a poignant Sheriff Bart monologue from Blazing Saddles, Alberts lost the position to Kevin Federline and his interpretive dance historiette of Corso predictions.


LSU-55 North Texas-3